It’s advent. I admit it. I love winter. I get tired of it by January and really tired of by March, but I love it. I love the world wrapped in sparkling icicles when I wake up. I love when it looks like the world is a snow globe. I love making snow people, throwing snow balls and sledding down baby hills (I’m a wuss and I’m sticking with the baby hills; I’ve seen too many bad things happen on big hills, thanks a lot.) I also get a kick out of hot cocoa and movie nights and our gas fire place that doesn’t smoke, even though I also love real wood stoves that do do smoke. My favorite chore as a kid was stacking wood. I loved learning to stack those ax-chopped logs like tetras. I remember in one house where I lived as a child we had these amazing built in bookcases and I used to have our tiny nativity vision of Mary and Jospeh and the animals and wise men journey across the bookshelves through many adventures to make it all the way to the Christmas skirt, where I’d set up the scene of the manger. One year I couldn’t wait to open my presents until morning light, so I unwrapped them at 3am, then felt terribly guilty and tried re-wrapping them. With masking type. No one noticed. Really. Just kidding.

As long as I have a real good jacket, I even love bundling up. I’ve been known to go for my coffee in my pajamas and my big, fluffy, really badly stained jacket. It’s the warmest one I have. I also find relief when it gets warm enough that I no longer half to do so. But the holidays are a little extra lonely too. Each year it gets less painful and more joyous though. I have my reasons and you have yours. Most people probably carry a little extra loneliness around the holidays for one equally understandable reason or another. We are all worthy of extra compassion during these days. And maybe some extra vitamin d, as well! The holidays are like the word fuck. Tinsel and Santa, an oil lamp that stretches a miraculously long time to bring holiness back to a ransacked temple, the light of stars shining in the night and in our hearts at dark times in history - and the in the solar year - red lipstick smiles and cocktails floating around parties while Rocking Around the Christmas tree plays, and Jesus being born into the world to bring light and salvation to a humanity completely off its rocker - well put it all together with a grinch in the oval office,  - and it just kind of  brings everything to the surface. Christmas is an amplifier.

The other day I bought coffee this morning for a fellow I didn’t know. He was genuinely surprised and grateful for the small but meaningful-to-him gesture. He observed, “You seem happy today. Are you just in an especially good mood or is this how you are everyday? I thought for a sec and said, “I have a deep, abiding joy and sometimes have shitty days just like everyone else. It’s true. I don’t wait until I feel awesome on every level of my being to BE awesome, because I know that I AM awesome, and that comes not from my “self” but from my SELF. I tap into the wellspring of my TRUTH even if there are layers of me that are working through stuff, feeling like shit or just not totally up to snuff because I’ve had a taxing morning or just been through a lot, generally. I choose to let my deep abiding joy shine through even when I am feeling crappy physically or emotionally. If I’m feeling enough like shit that I can’t add to the joy of others, I stay home until I can. All people are contagious and I’m mindful of what I’m spreading. I take time in private to care for my body and my underlying areas that need TLC, self-love, acceptance or healing. If I’m feeling in touch with joy enough to contribute to the joy of others, the beautiful thing is, it usually gets mirrored back to me as long as my motive isn’t to get it mirrored back. My motive has to pure. Altruism performed to get a health benefit diminishes or even eliminates the health boost you get from it. And joy shared with the motive of getting joy back will be felt by the other person as an expectation and thus it will not return the natural joy exchanged when another being is seen and loved unconditionally and without effort shines back. It shines b ack has been returned to its natural state by the way it was seen, acknowledged and witnessed in beauty, innocence and love. Try it! You'll see, it is a miracle and you can see the miracle happen countless times and it never ceases to be the amazing thing to watch and be a part of!

Yep - be the sun and you'll see sun come out and shine -  whether the physical sun being the light in others, or the actual solar sun as seen on blue sky days. The inner then the outer. I am a huge fan of The Sophia Code by Kaia Ra. In one chapter she talks about it being a revolutionary act indeed to source a new reality from within before the evidence of it is there in the obvious external world. For many years I’ve done a lot of inner work to clear the obstacles to my own light shining brightly. I continue to do it daily. If I’m struggling - and I still do sometimes, because I am a human being sharing life with other human beings having overlapping but different journeys - I immediately go within. Or if not immediately, very quickly. My results are consistently awesome when I do this. It is not a path for sissies, but honestly, is suffering and continuing to create negative experiences as the default a better option? There is no less suffering in blaming others and remaining incapacitated by the current outward appearance of things than in courageously becoming the one you’ve been waiting for and embodying the change you seek without expectation of others. It’s just really a lot to swallow to accept that this is what its going to take. I’ve found in my own life I can be attached to what is fair or I can be aligned to what is effective. Not both. I may in the end get both. But the means will always require letting go of ideas of fairness or of being acknowledged as “right,” even when I know I am, and sometimes letting go of my ideas of “right” and admitting I have no idea - that I just have an opinion and that when I gather more information or get an expanded, broadened, heightened, more healthily rooted perspective, I will find that my opinion was stupid, ill-informed or perhaps missing links to fill out a picture or help me implement my great ideas with better impact. Family life is a great place to practice letting go of attachment to fairness and opinion-dominance. For me it is an awesome and spiritual practice. I notice that as I learn to get better at it, so do my family members. Humans learn by what we embody, not so much by the words we say, especially if we haven’t taken practicing them as our primary form of communication. Words that come from someone who lives it carry a different authority than someone who is quoting a meme because it is a nice idea that hasn’t been really absorbed by the individual reposting it.

Unless you and I numb out on drugs or Netflix, life is going to be uncomfortable a lot of the time until humanity as a whole evolves to a new level of flourishing and kindness as the norm, in harmony with our ecosystem. Embracing each layer of discomfort as it arises and healing ourselves is a huge service to the world. It allows us to transmit greater wholeness and to add to the joy rather than the suffering of the collective. It removes a lot of the emotional baggage from our cellular memory so we have less chronic illness and better health. It allows us to feel connected not just to the people closest to us, but to all humanity. When we are connected to all humanity, to our true selves and to Source, we can be lonely or feel like shit on a human level an still be tapped into an unstoppable, radiant joy and love and peace. That is the Christ within us. It’s advent. We are all pregnant.

The man thought for a moment after I told him about my abiding joy that co-exists with shitty days. He gave me a sweet, respectful side hug and I saw his face soften. He smiled. Then asked me, “What’s your secret?”

“That’s a good question.” I didn’t give him the long answer above, because it wasn’t what felt like the truest, alive thing in that exact situation, with the person in front of me. I waited until I had something that was as true for me and that I had a deep sense would also speak to him.  I said, “Don’t avoid the tough stuff, but REALLY rock it out with the good stuff.” “I like that," he said. And he thanked me again. “I’m genuinely touched,” were the words the man spoke as he headed out the door.

The man stepping into the elevator across from me looked serious. Dead serious. I love to give compliments. I usually give them lightly. This one I took care with. He was wearing a cow boy hat and the thing is, he wasn't wearing his boots. He was carrying them. Like a cross between a newborn baby and a trophy prize. "Nice boots." He looked up. "Thank you," he replied, evenly meeting my gaze." "You're welcome," I said, keeping my tone completely seriously, and then breaking the eye contact with a decisive nod. My son was with me. My husband works in urgent care, and had a long shift, so I was at the Marriott for my kid's chess tournament. I had already learned earlier, when I was playing around on the elevator by myself, riding it up and down, and yes, jumping in it, that a country western Christmas party was being hosted. I even met the host. He seemed nice. So during the afternoon and evening, in one corner, chess matches were silently played in a room governed by the simple rule: "If your cell phone goes off, you have resigned," and just across the lobby, a huge event space was people with adults goofing off in their best country outfits, hamming it up. I preferred them before they got drunk, which didn't take long, but hey...I like the idea of adults having fun and playing dress up. When I traveled further, down past lobby b and conference room c and the other room named for the dead white guy and so on, I found lonely hallways populated only by Christmas trees and the occasional employee. I hummed silent night to the halls and blessed them. I poked by my head outside to gather in fresh, cold air. Hotel lobbies are fascinating places, and I love the ones that are high-end enough not to bother you when you're being eccentric, whether that is sprawling out on the floor with your stuff, meditating on a perch near the plants or slouched half-asleep on a leather couch. One fellow with gray and white hair approached me and said, "you look lost." I replied, "Not all who wander are lost." He smiled and moved on. But the air...hotel air is just not something to be breathed without outdoor respite. So I walked outside and found a lovely sunset and a crew of people unloading gear for a concert. I held the door for several young men who were grateful. I've noticed dudes are a lot more chill about letting women get the door these days. I am gracious about holding and having it held for me. I like it going both ways. On my way inside I brushed shoulders with a plump, pretty middle aged woman who was also coming in from outdoors. "Isn't it lovely?" I said, smiling at her. "Yes it is, I just love how the hotel is decorated at Christmas." I said, "I meant the sunset, but the hotel is also quite pretty. It's very tastefully decorated and you really can't blame anyone that it can't compete with nature." She took a peak outside. She hadn't noticed the sunset at all until then and I watched her taking it in. "Yes," she said, "It really is beautiful."